Dear Alcohol

by 6-71Kid November 30th 2007, 3:38 am

Dear Alcohol,

First
& foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why
would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for
a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal,
but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a
big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE &
topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3.
Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our
friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain
on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just
don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 7pm (pre-karaoke night) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing